Friday, January 8, 2010

THE UNITED STATES OF TWO AMERICAS


by © Clyde James Aragon

As the difference between Republicans and Democrats intensifies, as their arguments become shriller, as the national deficit approaches critical mass, it's obvious we've reached the point where conservatives and liberals simply can't live together. We bicker endlessly over taxation, government control, school prayer, and the Second Amendment. We don't even speak the same language these days. For instance:

Liberal: The land belongs to the people, man. It's social justice that allows us to walk freely upon the earth.
Conservative: Get off my lawn, damnit!

However, rather than partition America and try to divide its property evenly, there is one way we could still coexist. That is, create separate national corporate entities and activities apart from each other which would meet the wants and needs of each group. We would have separate sales buildings and work and play areas all well-lit and properly demarcated so that no one would accidentally enter and be offended by what he or she saw. Here's what we would find in a new America:

Liberal Motors: products: Toyota Prius, Honda Civic, Chevy Aveo, Mini Cooper, skateboards, roller skates, pogo sticks
Conservative Motors: products: Cadillac Escalade, Chevy Tahoe, Ford Explorer, Sherman tank, air craft carrier

McObama's: products: horchata, tofu, soybean curd, hummus (remember, hummus IS people)
McDonald's: products: Pepsi, fries, Big Macs, bigger Macs, heart attack Macs

Liberal Heating Corporation: products: solar energy, wind power, bicycle generators, wool blankets
Conservative Heating Corporation: products: gas, oil, nuclear energy, coal, ski jackets

Liberal News Media: products: Air America, New York Times, AnyBS TV news
Conservative News Media: products: Rush Limbaugh EIB network, Wall Street Journal, Fox TV

Liberal Law Enforcement: products: Eric Holder, PeeWee Herman, ACLU
Conservative Law Enforcement: products: Sheriff Joe Arpaio, Dick Tracy, Judge Judy

Liberal Shoe Store: products: Birkenstock, Rockport, Timberland, Ugg, Nike, Reebok
Conservative Shoe Store: products: whatever's on sale

Liberal National Security: products: Peace Corps
Conservative National Security: products: Navy Seals, Army Rangers, Marine Corps

Liberal Health Care Provider: products: witch doctors, over-the-counter medicine, obituaries
Conservative Health Care Provider: products: Mayo Clinic, prescription medicines, tanning salons

Liberal Sports Activities: products: squash, croquet, soccer, planting trees, crocheting, running away from fights
Conservative Sports Activities: products: baseball, football, boxing, hunting, fishing, beating up liberals

As you can see, the nation could be preserved well past the next election if we all decided to agree to disagree and hang out in places where we could rub elbows with the people we honestly respect. So let's give unity a chance before it's too late.

Oh, and stay off my lawn.
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graphic © Clyde James Aragon & licensors. All rights reserved