Friday, February 26, 2010


by © Clyde James Aragon

Whether you call it ObamaCare, PelosiCare, ReidCare, DemocratCare, or just plain stupid, Socialized Medicine is the Holy Grail to the president and his Democrat Party. They just can't stop talking about it and are as fixated with it as a puppy with its own tail.

But the more Mr. Obama talks about his plans, the worse it gets for him. The problem is that he hasn't presented it properly. As an aid to Democrats everywhere, these are the positions they should be pushing to make this dream reality:

1) Socialized Medicine is free. I don't know how they do it, but, by golly, nobody has to pay for it. Now if they could do something about the rising cost of cigarettes, gas, sodas, and my tanning bed treatments...

2) Socialized Medicine protects medical professionals and hospitals from extraordinary lawsuits. Right now Republicans and many physicians are pointing out that to control medical costs, tort reform needs to be initiated to rein in the runaway costs of medical malpractice lawsuits. With Socialized Medicine there would be no need for this legislation. As the government would run the health care system how would anyone be able to sue Uncle Sam? Especially if he wasn't in the mood to be sued. Socialized Medicine means never having to say "Oops!".

3) Socialized Medicine covers all diseases. Time and again we see insurance companies denying care for unusual diseases or treatments. Now everything will be covered up to and including euphoria, apoplexy, and miner's squint. And you won't have to pay for those pills and medical devices you saw advertised on late-night TV.

4) Socialized Medicine means you will be able visiting many foreign countries. Recently Danny Williams, the Newfoundland/Labrador Premier, came to the United States to get immediate treatment for a heart condition rather than wait for treatment in Canada. As we will not be allowed to visit the United States many of us may sample the medical care in India, Mexico, Argentina, and Mongolia for quick treatment of deteriorating ailments. As many of you may say, ole!

5) Socialized Medicine will give you time to think it over. Haven't you ever done things on the spur of the moment which you ended up regretting when you sobered up? Things like getting a tattoo, buying a Hummer, or signing up for a lifetime subscription to "Boys' Life". Since it will take months, perhaps years, to see a doctor or schedule a treatment, you will have plenty of time to ponder whether you really want that gallbladder surgery, that liver transplant, that hernia operation, or that brain tumor removed. No longer will we see people who rued the day they had their gallstones taken out.

6) Socialized Medicine means more jobs for the unemployed. While real doctors may become disillusioned and leave the medical profession, this only opens the door for medical school dropouts, incompetent phlebotomists, clumsy surgeons, mediocre radiologists, unskilled nurses, alcoholic anesthesiologists, and backyard mechanics to fulfill their dream of a career in medicine. No medical degree, no problem!

7) Socialized Medicine offers incentives to stay healthy. Since the average patient may be called upon to visit a doctor as described in Reason No. 6, there will be a good reason to pay attention to one's shape. I'd start jogging right now if I were you.

8) Socialized Medicine will improve the gene pool. Death panels, natural selection, bad luck, call it what you will but the waits and overall incompetence associated with Socialized Medicine will mean you will die sooner, rather than later, of your genetic ailment, thus the better off mankind will be if you don't get a chance to procreate. Future Americans will never again see people afflicted with prickly heat, vertigo, or political idiocy.

9) Socialized Medicine will give the government something to do. Rather than raise hell with the public through IRS audits, unending bureaucratic regulation, or random airport strip searches, the government will find its hands full, day and night, creating paperwork, scheduling payments, and coming up with excuses for why no one answers the medical clinic phone at 2:00 in the afternoon.

10) Socialized Medicine will come in color or black and white. No. just yanking your Obama nose ring. Actually, it won't but I couldn't come up with any other reason you would want Socialized Medicine.

So to Mr. Obama and the Democrat Party, instead of using the nuclear option of reconciliation or writing up an executive order, the best way to get Americans to go along with Socialized Medicine is to tell them why they need it.

And you could also tell them it's available, for a limited time, in tan.
from "Full Frontal Stupidity" -