Wednesday, March 31, 2010

THE ENVY TAKE-OVER OF AMERICA

by © Clyde James Aragon

In September 1, 1939, Adolph Hitler sent actual tanks rolling into Poland to take it over. It was messy, involved the help of the Russians, and many Poles died in the fighting.

Now, here in America, we're seeing the same thing, the capitulation of an entire country under attack by a dictatorial force in Barack Obama and his communist party. But instead of the gunpowder and lead that would have been used if the Democrat Party really was serious about getting things done, they're using a much more civilized item: human emotion and, in this case, the most basest of all emotions, envy and jealousy to achieve their goals.

The Chosen One is justifying the take over of a sixth of the U.S. economy via Obamacare by calling the entire health care issue a quest for human rights and everyone in the way of stopping Obamacare a worthless, greedy bastard. And, man, has it worked so far!

Because once you reduce everything to a quest for human rights, anyone standing in the way of goods and services has just got to be plain avaricious. Not to mention heartless, cold, and cruel.

Thus has Mr. Obama and his buddies mounted a quite effective war against Capitalism by turning business into the devil incarnate. And the whiny goat people who currently graze upon the face of America have whole-heartedly swallowed everything they hear issuing through Obama's non-moving purple lips.

Banks, insurance companies, real estate businesses and car companies have been vilified for their flagrant greed. Many are now under the protective and watchful eye of the government. They're setting prices, rates, and we now even have a pay czar to make sure no one is paid too much by government sensibilities.
This same envy can be used to take over virtually every other industry in America:

The Clothing Industry - why do I have to $40 for a pair of jeans. Clothing is an essential human right and the greedy retailer and manufacturer (who by the way is exploiting the people overseas who work in jeans sweat shops for pennies a day) are standing between us and total nakedness. The government should make sure I have soft cotton on my tush.

The Tent Industry - damn it, housing is a basic human right. Because greedy tent manufacturers are making unconscionable profits, some people even have to -gasp!- sleep in the back of their truck camper! The government should guarantee I have a roof over my head when I'm in the forest. I'm not an animal, after all.
The Paint Industry - warm colors and freshly-painted walls are a basic human right that keeps us well and happy. The government should make sure I have paint, brushes, masking tape, rollers, and plastic tarps to make my house a fit place to live.

The Computer Industry - the Internet, software, printers, modems, scanners, and all peripherals are a basic human right that keeps us abreast of technology and day-to-day communications. The government should provide us all with a laptop of our choice and a decent backpack to carry it around with.

The list goes one and on. Let's see, what else do I need that I don't want to pay for? Well, it's a basic human right to have decent canvas footwear, UV-blocking sunglasses, pedal steel guitars, spiral-cut hams, bottled water, staplers, cherry sodas, roller skates, binoculars, plasma TVs, airline tickets, three-piece tailored suits, and mountain bikes.

In fact, everything in life should be given to me free of charge because it's my basic human right. And all those greedy companies with their unconscionable gouging profits should be forced to provide me and everyone reading this article with everything we want at a loss. And if they don’t want to, then the government should take those companies over and run them the way our Founding Fathers would have wanted them run.

It's the new American way.

Right? Right!

from "Full Frontal Stupidity" - http://fullfrontalstupidity.blogspot.com/

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

THE BEST TEAM IN AMERICA? BAH! BRING US THE WORST!

by © Clyde James Aragon

Now that the regular basketball season has come to an end, you see the happy faces of players and coaches going to the NCAA tournament. Their effort has paid off and on they go to the Big Dance, the Sweet Sixteen, the Final Four, the…you get the picture.

You also hear the moaning and groaning of fans whose favorite team didn't make it to the tournament. There are angry, recriminating accusations against coaches, players, athletic directors, school docents, ball boys, cheerleaders, and college presidents. The endless stream of tearful invective fills sports pages, TV programs, and radio call-in shows. The fan takes it personally. It is not that the team lost, but that the fan, himself, lost.

What we need to stop this yearly moping ritual is a tournament for the losers in basketball, a play-off system which recognizes, even glorifies, the hopelessness of the last-place finish.

This new sports concept would be called the Lasties Tournament, an event the cellar dweller would be proud to compete in, designed, especially, to get embattled coaches off the hot seat and into the Victory Circle. Best of all, you would have to lose the tournament to be the winner.

In other words, the Lasties Tournament will be an enthusiastic, orgiastic celebration of mediocrity for, let's face it, few of us will ever date the homecoming queen, pick up an Oscar, or be the company president. And for those who adore conclusions, we'll be able, once and for all, (until next year, of course) to determine which team has the poorest shooting, the most pathetic rebounding, the softest offense, and the worst defense. The sour crème de la sour crème. The qualities the average man wants to know.

You're probably thinking, why wouldn't a team just miss shots, turn over the ball, and go to sleep under the net? In other words, throw the tournament. Easy. Electric shock collars. All players would receive a good-sized shock everytime someone on their team flubbed a lay-up, missed a rebound, or didn't get the ball off in time. It would be hustle enforced by electricity --- neat, effective, and, if backed by carbon credits, green.

Even the coaching staff would be in on this treatment. They would be given a shock each time they ordered a player to foul an opposing player in the final two minutes of a game. We shouldn't be forced to watch a deliberately slowed game. We want our loser and we want him now.

So given these simple suggestions on the creation of a Lasties Tournament, a fine and interesting time awaits the public.

Let the NCAA have their March Madness. We'll have our April Anemia.

from "Full Frontal Stupidity" - http://fullfrontalstupidity.blogspot.com/

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

IF THE YARDBIRDS WERE STILL TOGETHER

If the 60's rock band from England had been in their prime today, they might have written and played a song like this:

Prius Kept A-Rollin’

(original lyyrics by T. Bradshaw / L. Mann / H. Kay)

I bought a Prius, I bought a car,
It was a hipster, well and a real cool car,
(It was handsome,)
It was pretty, I bought it in New York City,
Well and I trucked on down in that old Toyota,
(Goin' on,)

With a heave, and a ho,
(Wo,)
Well, I just couldn't stop that car.
(No I couldn't,)
Slow down, sweet little auto, slow down,
Everybody get outta my way,
Slow down, sweet little auto, slow down,
Everybody get outta my way,
With a heave, and a ho,
(No matter how I pumped the brakes,)
I just couldn't stop that car
(No I couldn't)


Well, the Prius kept a-rollin', all night long,
(Slow down, sweet little auto, slow down,)
The Prius kept a-rollin', all night long,
([We're doin' eighty!])
The Prius kept a-rollin', all night long,
(Slow down, sweet little auto, slow down,)
The Prius kept a-rollin', all night long,
([Now we're doin' ninety!])
With a heave, and a ho,
Everybody get outta my way,
Well I just couldn't stop that car,
(No, I couldn't.)


I couldn't stop at Albuquerque,
Everybody must have thought I was a real gone jerk,
I passed a train in El Paso,
Lookin' so good, Jack, but I couldn't stop that car.
(Slow down, sweet little auto, slow down,)
(Oh, right, no, go left,)
Well, the Prius kept a-rollin', all night long,
The Prius kept a-rollin', all night long,
The Prius kept a-rollin', all night long,
The Prius kept a-rollin', all night long,
With a heave, and a ho,
Well I just couldn't stop that car.