Tuesday, March 16, 2010

THE BEST TEAM IN AMERICA? BAH! BRING US THE WORST!

by © Clyde James Aragon

Now that the regular basketball season has come to an end, you see the happy faces of players and coaches going to the NCAA tournament. Their effort has paid off and on they go to the Big Dance, the Sweet Sixteen, the Final Four, the…you get the picture.

You also hear the moaning and groaning of fans whose favorite team didn't make it to the tournament. There are angry, recriminating accusations against coaches, players, athletic directors, school docents, ball boys, cheerleaders, and college presidents. The endless stream of tearful invective fills sports pages, TV programs, and radio call-in shows. The fan takes it personally. It is not that the team lost, but that the fan, himself, lost.

What we need to stop this yearly moping ritual is a tournament for the losers in basketball, a play-off system which recognizes, even glorifies, the hopelessness of the last-place finish.

This new sports concept would be called the Lasties Tournament, an event the cellar dweller would be proud to compete in, designed, especially, to get embattled coaches off the hot seat and into the Victory Circle. Best of all, you would have to lose the tournament to be the winner.

In other words, the Lasties Tournament will be an enthusiastic, orgiastic celebration of mediocrity for, let's face it, few of us will ever date the homecoming queen, pick up an Oscar, or be the company president. And for those who adore conclusions, we'll be able, once and for all, (until next year, of course) to determine which team has the poorest shooting, the most pathetic rebounding, the softest offense, and the worst defense. The sour crème de la sour crème. The qualities the average man wants to know.

You're probably thinking, why wouldn't a team just miss shots, turn over the ball, and go to sleep under the net? In other words, throw the tournament. Easy. Electric shock collars. All players would receive a good-sized shock everytime someone on their team flubbed a lay-up, missed a rebound, or didn't get the ball off in time. It would be hustle enforced by electricity --- neat, effective, and, if backed by carbon credits, green.

Even the coaching staff would be in on this treatment. They would be given a shock each time they ordered a player to foul an opposing player in the final two minutes of a game. We shouldn't be forced to watch a deliberately slowed game. We want our loser and we want him now.

So given these simple suggestions on the creation of a Lasties Tournament, a fine and interesting time awaits the public.

Let the NCAA have their March Madness. We'll have our April Anemia.

from "Full Frontal Stupidity" - http://fullfrontalstupidity.blogspot.com/