Thursday, September 30, 2010


Just about now you, as an American voter, are reaching critical political mass. Pummeled by incessant TV, radio, and newspaper ads, and deluged by dinnertime taped phone calls you want to kill the next person who brings up the election.

Then, again, you may have crossed over into that Zombieland of voting in which you can't seem to get enough of the heady stuff. While the former state is normal, here's how to tell if you've really had too much politics for the season and are badly in need of a vacation or at least electroshock therapy:

1) You know Sarah Palin's dog's favorite color.

2) You can recite the Hatch Act from memory.

3) You call polling companies and beg to be polled.

4) You can't wait for TV shows to end so you can start enjoying the campaign commercials.

5) You've come to believe that Rand Paul is a type of gold coin.

6) You can spell Ben Bernanke's name forward AND backwards.

7) Your shirt has color-coded campaign buttons with Republicans on the right side, Democrats on the left, and Libertarians down the middle.

8) You agree with every political view no matter who holds it yet become irritated when someone refuses to have an opinion.

9) Your Favorites menu on your computer browser is full of campaign websites.

10) You can't be reached on the Internet because your e-mail account is glutted with campaign spam.

11) You've got a space reserved in front of the early voting place so that you can get there before midnight.

12) You've got a tattoo of your favorite candidate on your shoulder and you were the tattoo artist.

13) You've painted half your car red and the other half blue.

14) You invite campaign flyer distributors into your house for coffee and cookies and to have a heart-to-heart.

15) You've removed the heads from your bobblehead collection and replaced them with leading candidates.

16) You straighten up campaign signs at intersections.

17) Your alarm clock has campaign ads to awaken you.

18) You call radio talk shows just to hear them breathe.

19) Instead of Fantasy Football, you play Fantasy Politics.

20) Your friends avoid you because all you want to talk about is the latest polling numbers.

21) When you dream, it's of filling out your ballot.

22) Your iPod is full of recorded campaign speeches.

23) You're disappointed when, after the phone rings, it's only your mother calling and not a pre-recorded message from a local candidate.

24) You burned out your TIVO recording late-night political shows.

25) Your car has so many campaign stickers on it, it makes two miles less per gallon.

by © Clyde James Aragon
from "Full Frontal Stupidity" -
see more of him at*