Wednesday, October 6, 2010


As high profile White House personalities like chief of staff Rahm Emanuel and chief economic advisor Larry Summers hog the spotlight as they leave the Obama administration at midterm, there are also lesser known, yet just as important, figures departing. They have toiled tirelessly in their positions but now merit nary a glance from the press as they exit through the wide White House doors.

For example, there is Albert Springwater, who is the president's teleprompter cleaner. "It's a very important job," he says. "Without a clean and readable screen, the President might go from talking about oil drilling to reciting the Gettysburg Address. In fact, I let one of my assistants go the other day when, because of careless wiping, the president mistook the word 'France' for 'Venezuela' and threatened to put a sea blockade on Paris."

But what really lured him away from his prestigious White House job? "There was an opening at Best Buy that I just could not ignore. Aisle after aisle of TVs waiting to be dusted off and sprayed with glass cleaner. How could I pass up an opportunity like that?"

Another soul looking wistfully at the exit sign is Billy Tribs, the youngest economic advisor in American history. His reason for leaving? "My parents are moving to New Haven and they want me to attend fifth grade there. This has been a great job but sometimes you have to follow your heart."

And his most memorable accomplishment? "My dad said don't tax the rich, but the way I saw it, this was the only way to get back at parents who won't let you stay up past nine. Payback is payback."

For Doroteo Arango, chief head of immigration in the western United States, the decision was made for him. "Many people said I was pushed out but, actually, my green card ripened and turned red. Besides my aging mother needs help keeping the drug traffickers off her lawn in Tijuana."

Bo Marker is the official White House Excuse Maker. His job is to deflect criticism from the president and his policies with witty and trenchant comebacks.

His proudest moment before he leaves in late December? "I coined the phrase, 'It's Bush's fault'. Before that, everyone was blaming poor Fannie and Freddie Mae oversight. It kept the heat off the president's spending plans."

Another accomplishment? "I co-wrote Vice President Biden's recent statement at a Minnesota fundraiser that he'd 'strangle members of the GOP who complain about the federal budget'. But I was somewhat disappointed that my observation that 'Republicans eat little children' was deleted. Oh, well, some battles aren't worth fighting."

Finally, one of the least recognized but most important luminaries heading into retirement is Arthur Tutek. His work on the Obama healthcare program may be unfathomable but it is there, somewhere in the thousands of pages of the massive bill. His work speaks of his legal roots, he is a trial attorney, and of his great concern for the downtrodden, especially the downtrodden lawyer. "My contribution to the healthcare bill was allowing more opportunities for needed litigation. For example, it's about time patients were able to sue the food staff. How many times do you hear heart-breaking stories of people not receiving their fruit cups in their dinner tray. Fruit is an essential part of our diet. We all need fruit and in depriving people of their fruit we're creating severe complications somewhere down the line."

But it doesn't end there. "I'm all for going after janitorial staffs. Who hasn't used a hospital bathroom or doctor's office where they've got inferior-quality toilet paper hanging from their rolls. We're talking about the one that's made out of recycled wax paper. Patients should have the right to expect good toilet paper, you know, that kind those bears use on TV."

Though these White House people are not as as well-known as their more televised superiors, their stories need to be told.

We hope we have gotten the word out on the important work they did.

by © Clyde James Aragon
from "Full Frontal Stupidity" -
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