Thursday, March 24, 2011


As calls to close nuclear power plants mount due to our propaganda Main Steam Media working overtime to scare the living daylights out of us over the safety of nuclear energy, what do we have left to heat our homes? Coal? That's too messy and creates too many greenhouse gases. Natural gas? But we have to go out into our untapped national forests and drill for it there and that just annoys the hell out of our forest friends, the marmot AND the gray squirrel. Oil? Well, we just went through an horrendous oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico in which highly-paid television professionals actually got their hands wet picking up cups of seawater which proved that the oil was destroying the fecal matter off the coast of Louisiana. So what's left? Really?

You could try wind turbines but they won't cut the mustard because they need the howling winds caused by global warming (which will go away as soon as we're all forced to walk to work). Solar panels depend on pure, clean sunshine which will not be available because the non-global warming environment will only make clouds appear all across the earth and block this precious natural electrical resource.

So what's left?


Yes, my friends, the much maligned and snickered at sweater is the only thing standing between us and a certain frozen death this next winter. Without coal to run our power plants and create the electricity to power our space heaters and compact fluorescent bulbs, without nuclear power plants to also provide us with that same electricity, without gas to heat our homes and cook our non-organic burgers, and without fuel oil to burn in our heaters we face the terrible dilemma that we could get cold. The thought should terrify every man, woman, and child who wants to get a decent night's sleep in this country of ours.

The sweater, the last national treasure we can use without being called a racist or a selfish consuming machine is the only thing left that may save us and, perhaps, the rest of mankind from a frozen genocide. With or without pockets, this comfortable article of clothing will be able to fend off the coldest of days and the frostiest of nights. And it's stylish, as well, in a grandpa-like sort of way.

But what could we make them out of? Cotton? Well, we have to divert water to keep endangered silver minnow and carp from becoming extinct so that's out of the question. Acrylic fiber? Again, that's made out of oil and you know what that causes. Wait, wool! No, that's exploiting animals and PETA would be on our backs in a heartbeat branding us all heartless animal-killing bastards. There's naval lint, but that would be too hard to collect, what with privacy rights and all.We can't really make proper sweater fiber out of recycled paper but maybe we could knit them out of string. Certainly, this is a nation held together by string.

Yeah, the string sweater. And in the summer we would all wear string bikinis.

On second thought, forget about it. We're doomed. Make out your last will and testament, pick a nice shady spot near a tree, and go to sleep in the snow.

by © Clyde James Aragon
from "Full Frontal Stupidity" -

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