Lately, if you were to scan the headlines of our major newspapers, it would be hard not to reach one obvious conclusion: Michelle Obama, the First Lady of the land, represents a devastating threat to mankind.
Through her initiative "Let's Move!" she has called for healthier food in schools, better food nutrition labels, and more physical activity for children. And her personal campaigns against childhood obesity have reaped the reward of her perseverance. Company after company has pledged to jog a more nutritious path. Even Wal-Mart, Olive Garden, and Red Lobster Restaurant, solid icons of capitalist independence, have capitulated and been forced to sell healthier foods.
Michelle has traveled tirelessly across the country to chide us over our weight. On school campuses and at health fairs she tells us we're eating too much. That we're not getting enough exercise. That food's got too much fat in it. That we're guzzling too many empty calories from soft drinks. On and on and on. Like we didn't know.
However, if you examine the facts, we don't need less fat people. On the contrary, we desperately need MORE fat people.
Doesn't she see the great contributions fat people have made to our world over the years? Winston Churchill helped defeat the Nazis in World War II. Orson Welles made movies and sold wine. King Henry the VIII ran renaissance England for decades. (True, he did behead a few wives, but who's perfect?)
And what of the economic value of the obese. How would McDonald's fare if no one bought Bic Macs? Where would the clothing industry be if no one purchased plus sizes? Just look at the what's happened to the snack industry now that sales of Twinkies and Ding Dongs have gone down. Bankruptcy, ruin, and job loss. An omen of things to come if this madness continues.
Still, she overlooks the many places where fat shines. Sports, for example. There isn't a professional football quarterback around who doesn't take comfort at the sight of 300-pound blockers keeping opposing players off his back. Or Sumo wrestling. How would a 90-pound weakling do in the ring against a typical Japanese behemoth? Not well, I'd bet, even if he DID eat all his vegetables.
The more you think about it, the more you've got to believe that obesity is a positive thing.
Domestically, how many robberies and assaults are perpetrated by the hefty class? How many fat people squeeze through skylights, jimmied windows, or air shafts to break into banks? How many fat people commit grab-and-go shoplifting crimes? Who's ever seen fat people running away from the scene of a crime? Name me one single fat cat burglar.
And internationally, Michelle Obama's demands pose a greater threat to world peace than China, Iran, North Korea, and Venezuela combined. After all, how many wars have been started and fought by fat people? Who's going to pick up a grenade launcher or a machine gun and head out to the battlefield if they're too busy grazing on chile dogs and onion rings? If more people got fat, there'd be damned little time to think about nuclear aggression and armed conflict and more time to think about the things that really matter in life: candy bars and Chee-tos.
Anyway, it seems reasonable to argue that heart disease and high blood pressure are a small price to pay for world peace and technological advancement. We ought to be promoting weight gain.
Enough of Michelle Obama's crusading. Can't this woman be stopped before it's too late?
by © Clyde James Aragon
from "Full Frontal Stupidity" - http://fullfrontalstupidity.blogspot.com/
see more of him at http://www.zazzle.com/cja_the_humorist*