Tuesday, June 18, 2013


In this day and age of revelations on government sifting through our e-mails, wiretapping journalists, and using the IRS to investigate conservative groups, the subject of aerial drones has been placed on the back burner of the media stove. Yet the question continues to simmer there and once in a while, Americans ponder the subject.

The average American still wonders what it means to have flying objects overhead peering down on him with cameras and electronic bugging equipment. He puts down his iced tea and asks: Is this constitutional? Why am I being observed? Should I clean up the backyard?

Well, don't worry your pretty little head off, worried citizen. Below are a few answers to the burning queries keeping you awake at night:

Q. Is drone technology legal when used to spy on innocent citizens? A. Of course it is. Currently, our government, your government, technically, The Government, is operating under the soon-to-be-passed "National Protecting America With Drones So Americans Have Nothing To Fear, Really Act".

Q. An unpassed bill? A. We're working the kinks out. Besides, you can't believe how many times we've opened up a government bill to find a huge piece of pork in it. We are determined not to let this happen except for the inclusion of a few Las Vegas parties as was suggested by the IRS, the enforcement agency for all drone programs.

Q. What if Congress refuses to pass the Act? A. The President can implement it through an Executive Order. It's all good.

Q. What about my rights? What if the Supreme Court calls this unconstitutional? A. Basically, you still have the rights of a person who is not here illegally. And these we will respect as soon as they have been defined by legislative statute. As for the Supreme Court, Chief Justice John Roberts, who used to have things to hide, has assured us rejection will never happen. He also believes drone surveillance is a type of tax. Kudos to Justice Roberts and how is Rex doing these days, Johnny?

Q. Aren't drones dangerous? Couldn't they come crashing down on us if things go wrong? A. Do not worry. Drones are very safe as they are made of a flexible Nerf material. Should they fall, you will hear a soft thud just before they burst into flames and disappear forever as evidence in a court of law. Aside from that, drones are environmentally-friendly. Their rotating propellers actually combat man-made global warming by cooling us, much like a room fan.

Q. But I'm an honest, hard-working, law-abiding American. What could the government be keeping tabs on me for? A. Tendencies.

Q. Tendencies? What kind of tendencies can you see from a drone high in the sky? A. Anti-government, pro-terrorist tendencies. Tendencies like gun ownership, cars in Church parking lots, heads bobbing around Republican rallies, and, especially, the purchasing of vanilla ice cream. The latter is particularly troubling as it reveals a resistance to change and a racially-bigoted attitude hidden, quite often, behind whipped cream and chopped nuts.

Q. But I buy Blue Bunny. A. Benny and Jerry's and Haagen-Dazs will get you off the watch list but definitely not Blue Bunny. What are you thinking?

Q. I'm a member of a local Tea party. I hear a constant whining sound from high above although I can't see anything. Is this drone surveillance? It's ruining my barbecues. A. While we can't divulge the names and addresses of those we keep an eye on, please be assured, we only spy on those who we feel pose a national security threat. By the way, instead of using that sweet, unnatural barbecue sauce, why not try a pork rub along with a generous sprinkling of sage next time you throw ribs on the grill? And mesquite wood gives everything an excellent flavor.

Q. I think my neighbor is spying on me with a drone. Is there anything I can do? A. As long as it's not a government drone, everything is fair game in the sky above your home. While we frown on the use of ground-to-drone projectiles, we have no objection to electronic jamming or high-powered lasers to disable overhead craft. Also, we see nothing wrong with your taking matters into your own hands with a drone of your own. In fact, entire neighborhoods have been entertained for hours with the maneuvers seen in daring drone dogfights.

Q. Are we going to have drones looking down on us forever? A. Heavens no! As soon as we're able to convert laptop and cellphone keyboards into listening devices there will be no further need for drones. So please contact your Congressional representatives and urge them to vote Yes! on the soon-to-be-passed "We Keep An Ear Out For Your Safety As You Type Act". Or the President will pass it with an Executive Order. It's all good.

by © Clyde James Aragon

from "Full Frontal Stupidity" - http://fullfrontalstupidity.blogspot.com/
see more of him at http://www.zazzle.com/cja_the_humorist*