BARACK OBAMA MEETS JOHNNY CARSON BEFORE HE TALKS TO AMERICA
by Clyde James Aragon
Barack Obama is sitting by himself in the Oval Office. He seems agitated as he reads through the Teleprompter speech he has before him. He is preparing to go on TV for a talk. Suddenly, there is a flash of blinding light, the sound of the 70s Tonight Show Theme, and a very loud "Here's Johnnnny!" from Ed McMahon. As Obama slowly gains his sight he finds a slightly balding man in a light brown blazer before him. As the music slowly dies down, he can't believe what he's seeing.
OBAMA: Hey, you're Johnny Carson! I thought you were dead. What are you doing here?
CARSON: God lets me out now and then to make guest appearances. How's that for irony. Now it's me getting $400 a shot. That's a deplorably low wage.
OBAMA: I'm working on things like that.
CARSON: I know you are. Along with that speech of yours.
OBAMA (looking defeated): Yeah, well it's that medical thing. What should I tell the American people about Obamacare?
CARSON (shrugging): What's to tell.
OBAMA: I made up the enrollment figures, they really are going to lose their doctors forever, and it's going to be the final nail in the U.S. economy.
CARSON: Huh. I did not know that.
(there is the sound of audience laughter)
OBAMA: You come with your own audience?
CARSON: You don't think I'm dumb enough to wing it on my own do you? But I can't compete with that shtick of yours. The one where people faint in front of you. That's pure gold.
OBAMA: Thanks. But, look, I've got this announcement to make. Any ideas to help soften the blow?
CARSON: Well, I always like to start things out with a few jokes, some topical stuff, a skit or two like my great Carnac the Magnificent mind reading act. Here's my magician's turban and an envelope with a card sealed inside it. Things like this work
CARSON: But the best thing I've found for your kind of dilemma are wild animals.
OBAMA: Wild animals?
CARSON: They're fantastic for loosening up an audience.
OBAMA: I can't bring wild animals into the Oval Office.
CARSON: Sure you can. I heard Nixon sneaked in Charo for a late-night hootchie-koo.
(audience murmurs) It's true. He was a wild man himself.
OBAMA: How would that wild animal thing work?
CARSON: Whenever you need a sure laugh, you bring in an animal, put it on your desk, and let it tinkle away. It's dynamite.
OBAMA: Are you sure about this?
CARSON: Let me show you. The best man for this is Marlin Perkins from Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. Perk, get on in here.
(Marlin Perkins walks in and the audience goes crazy with cheers and clapping)
PERKINS (waving): Hello everybody.
CARSON: Marlin. How you been?
(audience laughs away)
CARSON: So what have you got for Mr. Obama here?
PERKINS: An adorable Tasmanian Devil.
OBAMA: Wait a minute. You can't bring a Tasmanian Devil into the White House.
(audience laughs) Or can you?
CARSON: You sure can.
OBAMA: Really, Marlin, you're going to put a live Tasmanian Devil on this desk?
PERKINS: Well, I couldn't put it in Michelle's clothes closet. That's full of Snicker bar wrappers.
OBAMA: Okay. So where's the Tasmanian Devil.
PERKINS: Right here in my pocket.
(pulls it out of his coat pocket and the audience goes crazy)
CARSON: What I tell you?
OBAMA: It's kind of small. Are you sure that's a Tasmanian Devil?
PERKINS: It certainly is. And this little fellow is only found on the island of Tasmania south of the mainland of Australia. It eats carrion and preys on rodents, lizards, and wallabies at night.
CARSON: I did not know that.
PERKINS (puts the animal on Obama's desk): Isn't it beautiful?
PERKINS: Go ahead and pet it.
OBAMA: This Tasmanian Devil?
PERKINS: Yes. They're as gentle as a lamb in the afterlife.
PERKINS: Try him out.
OBAMA: As you say. (Obama goes to pet the Tasmanian Devil which almost bites his hand off. Audience laughs their heads off) I thought you said this was as gentle as a lamb?
PERKINS: It is. In the afterlife, lambs are meaner than hell.
CARSON: I did not know that.
(audience laughs away)
OBAMA: Take it away. Take it away.
(Marlin Perkins picks up the animal and begins to exit - then to Carson)
PERKINS: Tee time at four?
CARSON: I'll be there.
(Perkins leaves to audience clapping)
OBAMA: I don't think this will work. Got anything else, Johnny?
CARSON: I'm all tapped out. I guess I'll have to seek the guidance of a higher authority.
OBAMA: Fred De Cordova?
CARSON: Not that high. I'm talking about God.
OBAMA: Holy Moses. God in the White House? Don't let the ACLU hear about this.
CARSON: Don't worry. They wouldn't believe it.
(audience laughs) Hey, Lord, we need your help down here.
MACMAHON (a voice from the above): Hi-yo!
(God enters carrying a violin. Audience oohs and ahhs)
YOUNGMAN: Here I am but I sure hope you don't need me to part the Red Sea again. That's a pill.
OBAMA: You're God? You look so familiar.
CARSON: He should be, he's Henny Youngman. Who'd a thunk.
OBAMA: Henny Youngman? Henny Youngman, you're God?
YOUNGMAN: I ain't chopped liver.
OBAMA: I suppose...
YOUNGMAN: So you finally decided to call me in. Finally came to me when things were going the worst, everything going to Hell in a hand basket. The world collapsing around you. Come to ask God for help. On your knees, begging for forgiveness.
OBAMA: Actually, Johnny recommended you.
CARSON (to God): He looked nervous.
OBAMA: Henny Youngman as God. Amazing.
YOUNGMAN: Sure is. By the way, take my wife, please.
(audience laughs louder)
CARSON: You've still got it.
YOUNGMAN: Some things never die. Unlike that monologue I gave at the Elks Club back in June of '59. Oy vey. What was I thinking.
CARSON: Sometimes things bomb.
YOUNGMAN: What are you talking about? Your whole career's been a bomb. I should have had a demolition squad following you around. Take the hand grenade, please.
(audience laughs as does Carson who wipes away tears)
CARSON: Great stuff.
YOUNGMAN: So what's going on here?
CARSON: This is Barack Obama, current President of the United States. He's trying to muster the energy and smarts to have a heart to heart with the American people.
YOUNGMAN: Heart to heart? Have you tried a little bicarbonate of soda?
(audience laughs louder)
OBAMA: This is a terrible time for me. What can I do?
YOUNGMAN: First, take off that ridiculous tie. No polka dots. You need a solid color here.
OBAMA: Tie, gotcha.
YOUNGMAN: When things are going lousy, you need to find a way off the hot seat. For that, you bring in somebody or something else to blame.
OBAMA (excited): Like obstructionist Republicans?
YOUNGMAN: No, no, no. Not Republicans and you've also run that Bush thing into the ground. It doesn't work anymore. No, for this you need an even better foil. For this fiasco, you need to blame (pause) Satan!
YOUNGMAN: You got it, Bubba, Satan. (calling out) Hey, Satan, come on in here. Satan! Satan? Where is that guy? Satan!
HACKETT (rushing in and out of breath): Coming! Coming! You called me?
(audience claps at Satan's entry. It's comedian Buddy Hackett)
YOUNGMAN: I sure did. Where were you?
HACKETT: The NBC commissary. It's meat loaf day. I love the stuff.
YOUNGMAN: Well, I'm glad you're here. I was just talking about you.
HACKETT: You're always talking about me. Ever since that incident with Adam and Eve. How was I supposed to know they were anti-pesticide, pro-biotic, earth-dwelling Vegans?
OBAMA: I kind of remember you. You're, uh, Buddy Hackett.
HACKETT: So you were expecting Lenny Bruce, maybe?
OBAMA: Got me there.
HACKETT: Looks like the whole gang's here. Hey, Johnny, how are you!
CARSON: Buddy! I'm doing great. But I didn't know you were the devil.
MAMAHON (from above): Hi-yo!
OBAMA: Why does he keep doing that?
CARSON: I've got him on retainer. Whenever I go out.
YOUNGMAN: And sometimes those retainers fall out.
CARSON: Anyway, Buddy, you had me fooled all the way. I would have never guessed. The plump physique, the cherubic face, the air of innocence.
HACKETT: Add to that my non-profane stand-up comedy act and everyone's at ease around me. Works every time.
CARSON: Who'd a thunk.
OBAMA: God, why are there so many comedians running the afterlife?
YOUNGMAN: If you want things done right, you put a comic to do it. They take things seriously. Listen, I've got Phyllis Diller redecorating the Milky Way as we speak. She's just great with color. And I put Georgie Jessel to invent new constellations. You wouldn't think of him that way, with his sad face and all, but he's got such an imagination.
HACKETT: So why am I here?
YOUNGMAN: This fellow here is the President of the United States. And right now, he needs a fall guy. So guess what?
YOUNGMAN: You're it.
HACKETT: I knew it. What am I being blamed for now? Earthquakes? Famines? Pestilence?
OBAMA: Health care.
HACKETT: Come on, anything but that.No one fears you when it's as mundane as that. Come on, blame me for something good. Like solar eclipses in the middle of the day. That gets everybody's attention.
OBAMA: It's health care, okay.
HACKETT: Sheesh. Okay. But this is the last time. No more blaming me for government screw-ups. It's bad for my reputation. For this, God, I'm taking the next 30 people who call the 800 number for that collapsible hose. They are MINE.
YOUNGMAN: You got 'em.
OBAMA: Do you always agree to his demands, God?
YOUNGMAN: Normally I don't but I'm feeling kind of accommodating today.
OBAMA: Doesn't he already have enough people in Hell?
HACKETT: There's never enough for my place. People, people, ordinary people by the bushel. And then I've got the famous and the infamous like Jesse James, Billy the Kid, Adolph Hitler, Genghis Khan. I've got every ball player involved in the Black Sox scandal. I stick my pitchfork into the back side of luminaries and stars every day. Why, I've even got Mother Teresa.
OBAMA: Oh, come on.
HACKETT: It's true. She was walking too close to the edge of Hell and accidentally fell in. We take all comers.
YOUNGMAN: And you can keep her, too.
OBAMA: Mother Teresa?
YOUNGMAN: She's a pain in the neck.
OBAMA: She's spent days on end converting Muslims to Seventh Day Adventists. I'm sick of reading The Watchtower.
OBAMA: So wait, there are Muslims in Heaven?
YOUNGMAN: Many of them.
OBAMA: So I'll probably go there?
OBAMA: If I were a Muslim then I'd probably go there.
HACKETT: Tell him.
OBAMA: Tell me what?
HACKETT: About that going to Heaven part.
YOUNGMAN: Shut up you.
OBAMA: Aren't I going to Heaven?
YOUNGMAN: We'll talk about that later.
OBAMA: I'd really like to know now.
HACKETT: There's no better time than the present.
YOUNGMAN: Don't you have a sinner to damn somewhere?
CARSON: Well, I see by the clock on the wall that it's almost time for Mr. Obama here to give his talk. Let's go everybody. Leave this man to give his important announcement to the American people. Let's go everybody.
OBAMA: Thanks, Johnny.
CARSON: Knock 'em out, kid.
(Obama settles into his chair as he's cued to speak)
TV MAN: Okay, Mr. President, you're on in five...four...three...two...one...YOU'RE ON!
OBAMA: My fellow Americans. I have come to you this evening with a very important message regarding the state of our country. But first, let me start with a lighthearted note.
Take my wife, Michelle. Please. Take her.
And let me tell you what happened when I went out the other night. I went to a restaurant that had so many flies zooming around that I just had to call the police. They sent in the SWAT team.
And here's one. Joe Biden pulls his limousine up to the the curb and gets out. He puts a dollar in the meter and the meter goes to sixty. Biden's so proud of himself. He says to himself, "I told everybody I'd stick to my diet and I did. Heck, I already lost a hundred pounds."
Finally, let me put on this magician's turban. And right here in my hands is an envelope with a question inside which I will be able to magically answer without opening the envelope. I'll just put it up to my head. Let me think. The answer is one point four million. Got that? One point four million. I'll just tear open this envelope, pull out the card, and the question is: How many people really signed up for Obamacare...
by © Clyde James Aragon - All Rights Reserved
from "Full Frontal Stupidity" - http://fullfrontalstupidity.blogspot.com/
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