Thursday, April 21, 2016


Thanks to recent efforts to raise the minimum wage to $15-an-hour, restaurants have begun experimenting with robotic systems to cook and deliver food in a bold attempt to hold down prices. Hardee's and Carl's Jr. are trying it out and a restaurant in China already has robot waiters, cooks, and entertainers pleasing their customers.

While this might be bad for human workers as there will be less of them, one can't discount the idea of machines making our foods. And, when you think about it, there are at least ten good reasons to go to a robot-run restaurant:

1) The end of burned food. Given that their eyes, feelers, or sensors will be trained on your order as it cooks, gone will be the days of overcooked or undercooked food. No more hamburger buns burned to a crisp. No more burgers with a runny pink interior. Ah, the bliss of food perfection.

2) Robots won't be spitting in your food. Finally, you can eat in confidence knowing that a malicious cook or waiter or person passing through the kitchen area won't be venting his or her wrath on your meal. And no more green-leafed intoxicants or worse added to your food.

3) When you order, you won't have to speak Spanish. Although you could if you wanted to with many different languages programmed into the memory banks of your always cheerful robot order taker. Gone will be the days when you had to explain what else you wanted on your cheesy fries via sign language.

4) You'll get correct change back. For some reason, our mathematically-challenged society has many people in it who can't figure out how to make change when you're trying to pay with cash. Pennies were made for a reason.

5) There will be no snotty, sarcastic employees to deal with anymore. No more snide comments will accompany your food buying decisions. And no angry sighs when you ask for extra onions. Robots will take your order and say ‘thank you' for the business.

6) Robots will get your order right the first time. If you want a plain hot dog with nothing on it, you'll get a plain hot dog with nothing on it. And no mayonnaise on your hamburger when you wanted mustard. No secret sauce, either.

7) No hair in your food. Given that robots tend to be on the bald side, you won't have to worry about finding a long dark strand of someone's unwashed locks in your food. Ditto for eyelashes, nose hair, beard growth, mustache parts, or even fake fingernails.

8) Nobody's going to rip off your debit or credit card number. No shady fellow with a card reader will be standing behind the checkout counter. You'll pay the innocent-looking robot in peace knowing that your security-chipped credit card is well-protected. You won't wake up the next day finding out that somebody has bought lawn chairs from a discount store in Hayward, California. And you living in New Mexico. It may still happen but thieves will have to enter the establishment via the Internet and not the front door.

9) You'll have an excellent and hygienic food-buying experience. Robots will not be coughing or sneezing into your food. There will be no sweat drops added to your order. And no employee who wipes her nose with her hand will give you that dinner roll you thought you wanted. Robots will not be coming down with foreign or domestic diseases so enjoy your meal.

10) Finally, no tipping. There will be no tip jar and no extra pay for extra lousy service without a smile. Off you go to enjoy your purchase knowing no one now needs $18 dollars-an-hour to survive. No more guilt offerings to expectant truants. Could life get any sweeter?

So, no, don't look down upon a robot-run restaurant. Don't disparage the colored wires, the noisy, rotating skulls, the dull, non-judgmental talk coming out of fake, plastic mouths. View the experience as that oasis of fine dining you've always dreamed of.

by © Clyde James Aragon
from "Full Frontal Stupidity" -

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